*[[___ welcomee `-//*
i hate you
i envy you
i despise you
i need you
i want you
i poisoned you
i corrupted you
i created you
i destroyed you
i cherished you
i hurt you
i healed you
i persuaded you
i let you
i am you.
`` its my lifee. [#] `-
✺ Heartache ✺
[x] i lovee myself ((://*
6/15/2010 03:51:00 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
It tooks me days to come out with these thoughts of mine. I am confused of how should I start off here. Which one will be my very first sentence? Do I need to arrange the words accordingly? Well, I'd kept thinking every night what will be the reasons that make me so unhappy and feels despair each time I recall my memories. A list of paper is not enough for me to scribble on every little things of myself. I have been through many sweet and sour moments with people globally especially my loved ones. Not little but tremendous one. Sometimes I can't even be so sure of how to express my feelings within me. The feelings that blurted like a balloon and I don't think I should spill it out but just to smile brightly to who ever I confronted and where ever I stepped on as well as to keep it to myself. I am a normal human with same level of patience like other human being on earth. There are times I personally admit that I'd convey my feelings emotionally and in bad manner of morality. Yes, people might hate the way I speak up and apparently hate me in person too. I am aware with this however sometimes I tried but failed to control my bad-tempered where I owned this behavior ever since I was born, I assume. Sigh! I really hate being in this mood. I spoke rudely and act roughly. People that faith to be close with me especially my family and friend I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart and please forgive me for my bloody attitudes that your encountered each time confronted me particularly when I am not in mood. And I know no matter how I really want to tell them how I feel or anything about me, there won’t be any one by my side to listen and comfort me. How I wish there will be a person that willing to be there for me, I promise I will appreciate the person. I am a person who likes to share any kind of stories with people, it is just a matter of are they interested in listening to me or might think I am crapping or mumbling too much. I am not because I want people show me their care towards me after what I have shared. It is not a part of attention seeker purpose. People whom categorized me as this type, please try to know me better first before judging me with sorts of negative thoughts. I believe that if we do communicate with people makes one know the person better in the sense of not ignoring what does the person feel and isolated them at the meantime.
I am eager to know does the word ‘fair’ exist in this world. Even I myself don’t know the answer, I can’t search for the right answers. Only god knows very well what it would be. All I can encounter and sense the true unfair circumstances is when ever my parents pointed only me to do house chores and others thing. I wondered why every time it will be only me doing the work and helping in the house. The circumstances turns out to be even absurd where siblings can sit happily and enjoys the time where they are able to do their own thing while I am the one suffering with sweats dripping continuously and ugly filthy look of mine. I always doubt do they even know how I feel with the same and only question spinning in my head for years, asking myself why I am being treated like a maid. I sincerely confess I am not happy and will never be happy with the decision and answer your gave me, claiming I am the only one that willing and able to lend hand to help sort out works. The answer doesn’t make any sense to me because I do not agree I am the only one given a pair of hands and legs to assist in work. However, I know no matter how many times I speak up and brought up this matter, it will not change the fact and decision of me doing the most work. They don’t even bother to understand what I really mean actually, they always got me wrong. I forget and forgive them for not understand the whole situation well because I know not everyone is perfect. They frequently blamed if I lose my temper badly and therefore argument occurred right after that. My parents claim that I always complain too much and simply dissatisfy even just minor problems. But I bet they won’t know the impact of being unfair to own children, how emotional and psycho I am soon to be. But no matter how much I nagged and complained, how often I lose my tempered towards your, the most important point is I do still love all of you. I promise this fact won’t change, not until my last breath. Every now and then, I do not sleep very well. It takes me an hour or two before I could really sleep like a baby with no worries. That is the only suitable time for me to think and burst out everything into tears. Wet pillows and bolster I shall spend my night through till morning before I could barely open my reddish swollen eyes. I always remind myself not to cry when I am sad; I must be a tough girl when it comes to problem. The song by Fergie ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry” shall be my inspiration after this when I am not happy. It is quite weird of me expressing my own feelings through tears at night rather than words. Well, who can I rely on that much, that much of troublesome? Am I demanding too much people? All I ever wanted was people to show me some care.
At times, I do envy of those that owns partner by their sides. Partner that can discuss on anything, exchange opinion after discuss, embrace them by the arm softly and most important comfort each other when either one is feeling bad. How lovely that would be! However, human never satisfy and appreciate with what they got. Is it that hard to just treasure and be loyal to the only one you have already owned? I really don’t understand what do this kind of people think. People that act out of their mind. They don’t know what’s good till it’s gone. If only chances are high for me to have one, I am pretty sure I will be loyal to him♥. I prefered someone that is jovial and able to make me smile with his joke because I love to laugh with funny jokes around. And I myself obsess in making jokes .Unfortunately, there is still many couples doesn’t aware the meaning of real love. In reality world, real love is always mistaken by giving sweet kiss, hugging tightly in public and widely doing private intimate activity together. They get the whole wrong meaning of love :P. All these are just a portion of expressing love to partner. Mainly, what’s more important in a relationship is the trust that held by both parties. And in fact, a regular but interesting, not a boring conversation is one of the effective way to communicate to each other and as well to lighten up the awkwardness environment. Other than that, loyalty play a huge role too in maintaining a relation tie, this do mean not just a simple promise will make things better. Lies and fake promises do cause hell consequences for the partners. I have observed people in relationship. Do they go through the sweet one or the bitter one? Not sure. Personally, I don’t know how these make sense where some people think naively of current love partner will heavenly stay eternity with them. How many will really last? Look here peeps, I am not cursing especially for those people with partners but I am sincerely thought of just scribble what I actually perceived and understood by my own experience. People may think I had bad experience in love after reading my blog. It is a big yes I would say. My previous one is a great failure but I just force to ignore and still keep going on. Because there is nothing I can do if that is the best way that decided. Feeling sad and blue is a normal reaction for every single girl on the earth I assume except for the girl that wants to end up the relationship. My past do haunts me at times when I am thinking of nothing. Nevertheless, the good memories I had before will not effortlessly erased for the reason that I do cherished every sweet one even from the past. I am aware if I keep on thinking about it, I won’t be looking forward by keep holding on to the past. That is the reason I chose to let it go and never think about it again. The past memories that not to be change somehow. In my opinion, people who is giving up on everything simply because of the uncertainty such as break up, argument, affairs, cheating and etc is foolish to be known as. This post is too long, forgive me. I do not know whether I should end my sentences here by greeting thank you for whoever that spends time reading my long post. (=
I am eager to know does the word ‘fair’ exist in this world. Even I myself don’t know the answer, I can’t search for the right answers. Only god knows very well what it would be. All I can encounter and sense the true unfair circumstances is when ever my parents pointed only me to do house chores and others thing. I wondered why every time it will be only me doing the work and helping in the house. The circumstances turns out to be even absurd where siblings can sit happily and enjoys the time where they are able to do their own thing while I am the one suffering with sweats dripping continuously and ugly filthy look of mine. I always doubt do they even know how I feel with the same and only question spinning in my head for years, asking myself why I am being treated like a maid. I sincerely confess I am not happy and will never be happy with the decision and answer your gave me, claiming I am the only one that willing and able to lend hand to help sort out works. The answer doesn’t make any sense to me because I do not agree I am the only one given a pair of hands and legs to assist in work. However, I know no matter how many times I speak up and brought up this matter, it will not change the fact and decision of me doing the most work. They don’t even bother to understand what I really mean actually, they always got me wrong. I forget and forgive them for not understand the whole situation well because I know not everyone is perfect. They frequently blamed if I lose my temper badly and therefore argument occurred right after that. My parents claim that I always complain too much and simply dissatisfy even just minor problems. But I bet they won’t know the impact of being unfair to own children, how emotional and psycho I am soon to be. But no matter how much I nagged and complained, how often I lose my tempered towards your, the most important point is I do still love all of you. I promise this fact won’t change, not until my last breath. Every now and then, I do not sleep very well. It takes me an hour or two before I could really sleep like a baby with no worries. That is the only suitable time for me to think and burst out everything into tears. Wet pillows and bolster I shall spend my night through till morning before I could barely open my reddish swollen eyes. I always remind myself not to cry when I am sad; I must be a tough girl when it comes to problem. The song by Fergie ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry” shall be my inspiration after this when I am not happy. It is quite weird of me expressing my own feelings through tears at night rather than words. Well, who can I rely on that much, that much of troublesome? Am I demanding too much people? All I ever wanted was people to show me some care.
At times, I do envy of those that owns partner by their sides. Partner that can discuss on anything, exchange opinion after discuss, embrace them by the arm softly and most important comfort each other when either one is feeling bad. How lovely that would be! However, human never satisfy and appreciate with what they got. Is it that hard to just treasure and be loyal to the only one you have already owned? I really don’t understand what do this kind of people think. People that act out of their mind. They don’t know what’s good till it’s gone. If only chances are high for me to have one, I am pretty sure I will be loyal to him♥. I prefered someone that is jovial and able to make me smile with his joke because I love to laugh with funny jokes around. And I myself obsess in making jokes .Unfortunately, there is still many couples doesn’t aware the meaning of real love. In reality world, real love is always mistaken by giving sweet kiss, hugging tightly in public and widely doing private intimate activity together. They get the whole wrong meaning of love :P. All these are just a portion of expressing love to partner. Mainly, what’s more important in a relationship is the trust that held by both parties. And in fact, a regular but interesting, not a boring conversation is one of the effective way to communicate to each other and as well to lighten up the awkwardness environment. Other than that, loyalty play a huge role too in maintaining a relation tie, this do mean not just a simple promise will make things better. Lies and fake promises do cause hell consequences for the partners. I have observed people in relationship. Do they go through the sweet one or the bitter one? Not sure. Personally, I don’t know how these make sense where some people think naively of current love partner will heavenly stay eternity with them. How many will really last? Look here peeps, I am not cursing especially for those people with partners but I am sincerely thought of just scribble what I actually perceived and understood by my own experience. People may think I had bad experience in love after reading my blog. It is a big yes I would say. My previous one is a great failure but I just force to ignore and still keep going on. Because there is nothing I can do if that is the best way that decided. Feeling sad and blue is a normal reaction for every single girl on the earth I assume except for the girl that wants to end up the relationship. My past do haunts me at times when I am thinking of nothing. Nevertheless, the good memories I had before will not effortlessly erased for the reason that I do cherished every sweet one even from the past. I am aware if I keep on thinking about it, I won’t be looking forward by keep holding on to the past. That is the reason I chose to let it go and never think about it again. The past memories that not to be change somehow. In my opinion, people who is giving up on everything simply because of the uncertainty such as break up, argument, affairs, cheating and etc is foolish to be known as. This post is too long, forgive me. I do not know whether I should end my sentences here by greeting thank you for whoever that spends time reading my long post. (=
✺ Heartache ✺
[x] i lovee myself ((://*
6/15/2010 03:51:00 PM
``like miee for miee -- // * -nobody's perfectt-